Not to sound like Simon Cowell, but your class totally sucked.

My name’s Ram and I was in your class tonight. I love yoga. I’ve been teaching it since I was twenty two.

I used to surf, but that is so lonely and hit or miss. Besides, the ocean is cold. Kind of like that girl in the corner in class? You should do something about her. What’s up with all those extra handstands? She should go to gymnastics, or a midday class, those are small classes, I don’t have to worry about her falling on any one. She is not even breathing easily anyway.

I haven’t seen you at the studio before, so you must be a new teacher. Even though you’re kind of young. This is the first time I’ve taken your class, but I know enough about yoga to give you feedback. You don’t mind, do you? Of course you don’t. I mean, look at me; I’m 60 but get carded every time. I move with more grace than Elvis in his prime. You’re lucky to just have me in your class.

Not to sound like Simon Cowell, but your class totally sucked.

No, that’s not the only feedback I have. This is supposed to be a hot fusion class, but it felt like a hot con-fusion class, maybe an in-fusion if I did it with my eyes closed, which I did part-way through just to keep from rolling my eyes.

You’re new here, so I’ll let you know how things really should be. I mean, you had us moving all over the place right from the start. What happened to Sun Salutations? An organized movement repeated a few times to help center the breath? And holding high push for that long? Girl, even body builders warm up before that.

Yes, I am a yoga teacher. I’ve taken more classes here than you have, so I know what’s supposed to happen in class. And I get that you have taken the box cutter version of what yoga class should be like. You teach like the classes I attended in those huge yoga chains, trying to be a Yoga Starbucks. They make you work hard. You sweat a lot in those classes. People go there because they want a good workout, it seems, because you do not to hold a pose or think about the breath. Like it’s just lame. Every exhale is this huge sigh out of the mouth. Like they are preparing their vocal chords to sing on American Idol.

What types of things should there be in a yoga class? You know, things that lend toward meditation. Experiences that allow us to connect with our breath and thus the entire room. Not the lame crap you had us doing.

Specifics? Yes, I do have specifics.

They tell you to figure it out on your own, but why? Even Donald Trump did not figure it out on his own. He trusted what was successful and made it in his way.

Okay, if you’re going to be this sensitive. Your whole class was standing and moving. Can we hold poses for at least 3 breaths. What’s with all this core? Did we come here to work on the abs?

What? The back IS part the core. It is how you counter all those crunches. Lady, where’d you do your training? This isn’t core power fitness. And when yoga talks about “core,” it’s talking about that whole region from knees to ribs, front and back. Boat pose, and wheel. They balance the spine.

Also, you seemed to demonstrate more of the poses than the other teachers.

Hot Yoga is unique. It teaches you to focus on connecting with the room. Connecting with your words, so the students can connect with themselves. You should at least try to speak more effectively. There is an intelligence behind the communication in Hot Yoga. You don’t have it.

But if you’re still going to do the poses, you might as well do them right. I mean, your feet were hip apart in Half Moon pose. Maybe there are poses you actually can do, but if you can’t do them, you really shouldn’t show them. If you are going to demonstrate, can you stop and have everyone focus on you, then they can focus on themselves when you guide the pose.

And the music. Modern music can be cool, but what was up with your German punk techno. Yes, I know. I lived in Germany.

What? It’s pronounced Sivasana? I don’t think so. I’ve been doing yoga for thirty years, so I think I know more than you do about yoga verbiage. It sounds like ‘ “sh-aa” in shut-up. Sha-aa-vasana.

Anyway. That last song was tormenting. But the rest? I don’t like that techno stuff. I like music I can connect to. Talk to the others teachers. they have Spotify

No, that’s it. Maybe next week you’ll be better, but probably not. I am not coming back. Oh wait, I don’t check the schedule. I don’t even like Hot Yoga. I practice Anusara.